Loss, Grief & Mourning in a Move

A few weeks ago both kids were gone at the same time for camp - I had a call with my coach, we chatted about grief. And moving. During our call, I realized I had been going nonstop for over a month with ZERO time to sit down & truly process the move. Or the fact that I never got to say BYE to or grieve the loss of my “forever” home. YES - it is a thing.

You Can’t Say Hello to the New Until You First Say Goodbye to the Old

I never walked slowly room to room in our home & spent time soaking in that it would be my last time. I BRIEFLY walked down to my gym on our final night but let’s just I didn’t do it how I wanted to. So it was like I didn’t give myself the closure I wanted.

So after my call, I closed my eyes & walked myself through my home.

I sat at the table, in silence. And I visualized movie nights in the basement. Friends or family hanging out at our bar. Kids from the cul-de-sac running all over, making a mess. My wood panel wall with my Christmas decor up (my favorite). Watching TV on the patio. And then I visualized myself walking into every room to say goodbye. Of course, I also envisioned myself doing another workout in the gym. And I let the tears flow.

But it wasn’t until that moment that I think I really started to accept the grief & start to mourn what I left behind.

Grief is defined as the conflicting feelings caused by the change of, or the end in, a familiar pattern of behavior.

Often grief is only associated with death but you can grieve the loss of a relationship or even a life changing circumstance.

So what is helping me continue to process the grief since visualizing my “goodbye” to 31 Countryshire?

I’m aware of my thoughts.

Give myself permission to feel the feels from said thoughts.

I don’t tell myself I shouldn’t be sad over a home or the future I envisioned in that home. Or my gym-office (IYKYK).

I allow it. I give myself a chance to experience it vs pushing it away.

This gives ME some control over my emotions versus letting my emotions control me.

I know that no matter what the circumstance is, in this case, a new home in California - I choose my thoughts. If I accept the way it is now versus try to push it down or argue with what is - I suffer less. Do not confuse accepting the way it is with not feeling all the feels - accepting it IS feeling it but also not creating additional suffering with resisting the new current reality.

Acceptance looks like bringing it back to the present: This IS my home right now.

People often say time helps you move on but I am going to say that yes, that MAY be true but also, what if…what if it isn’t the amount of time that passes but it is what we choose to do with that time? What we choose to THINK during that time. Sure time passes. But the time doesn’t change anything, it is our thinking over time that changes.

1 Month in Cali

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It has been month.

1 month since we got on a plane & said peace out STL, hello California.

And it has been THE LONGEST MONTH EVER.

Not a day goes by that I don’t think about going home.

I literally have dreams about our house in STL.

Or about the new family in “my home.”

For real, I had a dream that they were doing a Lego themed bathroom designed by my previous employer & that they put an enclosed patio on the side of the house.

I have waves of thoughts that my brain LOVES to offer me….

“When is this over, I am done with vacation now.”

“WTF was I thinking?!”

“I am sick of being with my family.”

“People say this is good for your marriage…HOW?!”

“I wonder what would happen if I just got in my car & drove home.”

And then I have these weird moments that feel REAL AF & I picture us pulling into our home in St. Louis like nothing changed. Literally, as I was packing us up from the hotel at Disneyland, I had a moment where I forgot that the home I am going to is not the one I was envisioning.

THIS is my home right now.

But I am still grieving all that I left behind & had thought “would be.”

And that is ok.

These thoughts come & go. And I am aware that it is my brain wanting to go back to what is safe & normal. It is my brain finding every reason to want to protect me from this “danger” of this change.

A BIG move comes with BIG feelings.

And we are in the thick of it.

And I don’t know how long it will last but I know that living in one place for the majority of my life was a LONG damn time - just like we don’t gain weight overnight or lose it overnight - this will also take time.

In in my personal coaching sessions, I am working on not telling myself that I SHOULD be back to my work routine or I SHOULD to be showing up differently or my days SHOULD look like they were BEFORE.

Our life is not like it was before. It is different.

I am learning to give myself grace & compassion for where I am in this moment.

I am slowly allowing myself to be ok with not being in my normal energy at THIS exact stage in life.

Instead of arguing with myself telling myself I SHOULD be somewhere else right now - I am trying to find compassion for the woman who launched a new business in April, then moved across the country in June & put her business on hold while she is figuring out her new norm.

It is hard. I am not perfect. Some days I am harder on myself than others but I am starting to notice it more & find the grace & compassion before SHOULDING all over myself.

I am accepting that it is ok to fall apart sometimes. Tacos fall apart & we still love them. Right?!

Cross Country Move

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The reality of change: it ain’t easy.

And sometimes all of your thoughts about said change leave you with tears running down your face in public.

Change is amazing AND hard. And we ALL tend to avoid it for that reason.

Our brains are wired for safety. When something is new & different, our brains get protective AF.

Go back.

Turn around!

THREAT!

Danger ahead!

This is from YEARS of wiring, like I’m talking back to caveman days. (Google it.)

It wants us to do what we know. What is safe and normal.

In other words:

DO NOT CHANGE anything.

REMAIN the same!

Which is exactly why right now my brain is offering me these thoughts among others:

Let’s go back to STL.

I want to go back home [so that I don’t have to deal with the hard parts of change not only for myself but with my kids].

The best & also not super easy thing for me to do to work through this transition is accept ALL of the emotions without judging myself for feeling them. This takes awareness & compassion. Which if you know the brain, the brain wants to judge! But I can’t be mad at myself for wanting to turn around & go home AND process the sadness.

So I remind myself, nothing has gone wrong here.

During certification I learned about feeling ALL the feelings & how it is like carrying a heavy bag (of emotions) on your shoulder for as long as it takes. It is a learned skill but once you nail it, you can change your relationship with yourself and with those around you. Less reactive. More observant.

The reality for most of us is, we want to be happy ALL of the time so we avoid discomfort that may lead to growth & achieving our dreams. But what if we accepted that there is a balance of both negative and positive emotions - that is what our human experience is about.

You wouldn’t know happiness without experiencing sadness.

You can’t feel joy without knowing pain.

The goal is humanness. And that human experience involves LOTS of contrast on purpose.

I am choosing humanness over happiness.

Life isn’t meant to be JUST rainbows & unicorns .

What have you been avoiding because you don’t want to feel discomfort?

Or resisting because you think you should be happy 100% of the time?

Mindset + Your Body

• Body Shaming

• Guilt

• Happiness (or lack thereof)

A few things the girl on the left thought losing weight & being smaller would fix…

Truth: All of those things will come w/ you, even when you lose the weight, even when you are at your ideal body size, IF YOU DO NOT GET YO’ MIND RIGHT.

But the problem isn’t those, it’s:

• Our THOUGHTS about our body.

• Our relationship w/ food.

• Thinking that happiness comes from an external circumstance.

Once you realize you CAN work on ALL of that, especially the thoughts - you know the ones that creep in from your inner mean girl, you can tell her to zip it - you can take your power back.

(PS - I totally see Dr Evil here.)

Being happy now requires you change your thoughts FIRST - THEN your actions will shift.

When we talk to ourselves like shit, we treat ourselves like shit.

And this is one of the BIGGEST reasons I shifted my business focus.

In my years as a coach, I’ve watched women take action FIRST. They follow a workout program + a nutrition plan but never stop to work on the way they talk to themselves & view food.

And they get the results, temporarily.

They beat themselves up over a “BAD” meal.

They look for quick fixes if they can’t seem to keep results.

They shame their bodies.

Y’all - I can’t emphasize this enough, that IS where the work is!

I want women to see that:

• You can’t permanently change your results without changing your thoughts.

• There is no rush. There is not better than here.

• You are perfectly worthy just as you are. Nothing. Not even a pant size can change that.

• There is no more giving up or quitting. There is only showing up & enjoying your damn life.

If you’re curious about how you can learn to quiet your inner mean girl, head to "the WORK WITH ME” page to sign up for a FREE 1:1 chat.

I’ll show you how Life Coaching can help you tell that bitch to sit down & shut up - she can ride with you to the party but she is sitting in the back she is no longer allowed to tell you how to drive.

I took the leap....

For those of you who have known me for years, you know my journey. For those of you who haven’t known me long, WELCOME, you have a lot to learn but here is something NEW in my life. I have been sharing the entire journey on my IG: @AshleyLMolitor

Her (my mom sag) tombstone would read:
RIP Felicia the flap.
Gone but not forgotten.

I worked hard for 6 last years on my mind & body.

When I first started my journey, it was a struggle mentally to accept & embrace my mom sag.

But with a whole hell of a lot of thought work & daily practice I got there.

I no longer had shame over it. I would literally tuck that shit in & go about my day. It was apart of me & my story. It was the skin that protected my belly that grew 2 tiny humans.

So what made me take the leap?

I had embraced myself & was happy with my body.

Crazy right?! It sounds like it makes ZERO fucking sense but I could have stayed just like Ashley on the left & been fine!

That feeling of acceptance or happiness doesn’t come from the size or shape of your body, it comes from what you think about yourself. I knew those thoughts were available to me as the person on the left & still are as the person on the right. BOTH versions of me are equally worthy of my own love & acceptance.

Happiness. Acceptance. Embracing who you are. That is an inside job, y’all.

No change on the outside will fix what is going on, on the inside.

Start there.

And from that place of love, you do things because you WANT TO not because you think have to in order to feel better.

I owe my surgery credit to Dr. Judith Gurley.

April 12, 2021 (left pic, the morning before surgery) - April 22, 2021 (right pic)

• Swelling will get better over the next 6 weeks but some of it may linger a little longer, totally normal.

• There is ointment in my belly button in the new pic. This is currently my reality. Ointment. Non adhesive bandages. And girdles, hence the lines on my stomach. It is my BFF, I wear it all day/night except when I am showering. And the drains WERE my friend for a week, thank god those are out.