Random Thoughts by Ashley: Craving Belonging (Even When You Don’t Actually Want to Belong)
Ever felt low-key salty you weren’t invited to something you didn’t even want to go to? Or feel a sting each time you see a group together but that group doesn’t include you?
Same girl, same.
You scroll past the pics.
You overhear people talking about it.
Or you find out about the group chat you weren’t in—and your body gets all squirmy.
Your logical brain is like, “Girl, you didn’t even want to be there.”
And your emotional brain is definitely sitting in the corner, pouting and spiraling.
Literally overthinking everything…
Wait, why wasn’t I included?
What is wrong with me?
Did I do something?
Say something?
Are they talking about me when I am not there?
Meanwhile…your logical brain is still chiming in but you can’t hear her, “Hello, you said yourself last week that those are not your people.”
Yep - our brains are so wired for belonging that even when we don’t actually like the activity or the people-we still crave being included.
Logically…
You know that group is not your group.
You know their approval doesn’t align with the version of you you’re working to become.
But still—when you're not invited? Not chosen? Not in the loop?
It still stings.
And this is where so many of my clients get stuck (I’ve been here too)—feeling frustrated with themselves for caring about being included in places they don’t even want to be or belong.
So let me just say this clearly:
There is nothing wrong with you for wanting to feel included.
You’re not weak. You’re not dramatic. You’re not too sensitive.
It’s not a character flaw.
You’re just a human with a nervous system that’s been wired and trained (for literal survival) to seek connection and belonging. It is old programming.
No joke when I say it is human wiring - here’s a BRIEF background on it:
From an evolutionary standpoint, belonging used to literally mean survival.
Being accepted by the group wasn’t about likes or social status—it was about staying safe, fed, and alive.
To this day, our brains still see rejection or exclusion as a threat, even when it’s just about a group chat, a girls’ night, or some PTA thing you didn’t even want to go to.
But that old programming no longer serves us today. And knowing where it comes from and how we have evolved over time, you can now see how it doesn’t really serve you and where you can take your power back…
It starts with awareness. You can start to be more aware when that old programming is pulling you away from the version of you you’re trying to become.
The one who knows her worth.
Who doesn’t chase validation from people who don’t even see her.
Who’s done contorting to be liked.
Who’s learning to choose belonging to herself—even when it feels unfamiliar.
Even when her brain wants to run the old “do whatever you have to do to fit in” script.
That’s the work.
Not shutting off the part of you that wants to belong.
But learning to be intentional about who and what you give that power to.
So the next time you catch the “ugh, left out” ick sneaking in…
Pause.
Check in.
Ask yourself:
Do I actually want to be there? Is it something I would even enjoy? The place? The event? The people?
Am I craving the connection with these particular people—or just seeking approval?
And is this somewhere that I can show up as me—or will I have to pretend to be someone I am not just to feel “accepted?”
(Side note: when you are accepted by people you can’t be yourself around - they aren’t even accepting you - they are accepting a filtered, watered down version of you.)
Ladies - you’re allowed to want connection. Just don’t abandon yourself to get it.
XOXO,
Ash